It’s already 10.26 am, we had an extra long lie-in today. Yesterday was so hard. I have finally admitted that I have depression again, probably brought on by the stress of the exhibition, which I am not looking forward to one bit. So Jordi and I had a huge row and then loads of hysterical crying on my part and finally a cuddle and a film in bed. It was exhausting but it got it all out in the open. He thinks I need some stability, I don’t know what I need. Or maybe I do, I just don’t know how to get it. I need some self-esteem. I hate my work and I feel so stilted and trapped in my own fear of doing what I really want. When I was a teenager I didn’t care about anything I just used to make a huge mess but it was great. Now I’m too scared. I live with this fear and finally I’m depressed again. I go swimming to try and help it a bit, and normally I’m shaking and half crying my way to the pool, not knowing what else to do with my sad self. I slip myself into the water and drift away and it’s nice and I swim and swim until all the sadness and pain leave me. And sometimes Judy speaks to me, yes I know I am Judy, but in my head there is another person who hates me and only says mean things and attacks me. When I swim Judy comes to me and says nice things and encourages me and loves me and I know I’ve finally found my best friend again, my true soul mate; myself. But yesterday she wasn’t there, and I was stuck with the mean twisted person who has taken up residence in my head. The only way to destroy this person is to take some medicine, otherwise she overpowers me and makes me like her, mean and spiteful and defensive. I tried going to the doctors about it but they just don’t care and the pills they gave me really didn’t improve the situation. I went to see this guy who works with Chinese medicine and he prescribed some homeopathic remedies and they seemed to work really well. So it isn’t so bad really. My dream is that one day Judy will come out from deep inside me and stay with me always, because she is so strong and so great and she makes me laugh and cares for me. When she isn’t here I hate myself.
I must forgive myself, it must be all right to be how I am now, it isn’t my fault, and I know that really I am good, why not? I have been fighting against the horrible person in my head but it just leaves me so tired. She saps my spirit until there’s nothing left. And on the outside I’m just this troubled person, and I try to hide from my friends because it’s so difficult to explain. People say things like "cheer up" or "don’t worry", and really they have no idea. How can they understand if it’s never happened to them? How can I explain the person in my head that never leaves me alone, who constantly berates me? If you’ve never been plagued by your own monsters how can you understand the suffering it causes. And logic doesn’t seem to make even the smallest dent in this creature. I know my enemy though and that really helps, when I first became depressed a few years ago I didn’t know who or what I was dealing with. Now I know what it is and I know why, and I know who I am really. I can recognize Judy when she comes out from behind the vanquished monster. And then I feel great because we’re together again and everything is so much easier.
Friday, 28 March 2008
Sunday, 23 March 2008
The Calling
I've been a bit quiet recently. I'm in that gut wrenching, knee knocking stage of a project. It's like running a marathon, I'm dragging myself through the long slog, hitting walls of pain and finding ways round them, normally after tears and a lot of moaning. My poor boyfriend has had to put up with all my misbehaving. I feel bad about this but I also feel proud of myself, because even though it's hard and I'm full of self doubt, I keep on going. I look at other people's work and my spirits just fall, I feel so unworthy, but that's kind of ridiculous because I'm just me and I can only do what I can do. I'm not very organised or good at editing myself. When I say editing, I mean choosing what is really the right way to go or the right piece of work. I just love or hate everything. I have so many ideas and I want to do them all. When I do little projects, they make me so happy because they are completed and done, but then I think they come across as being a bit easy, a bit simple. It's all so torturous. I try to remind myself that I have plenty of time and that as long as I'm doing something I'm doing well. I'm so impatient and of course I can't have brilliant ideas and do wonderful work when I'm pressuring myself. Sometimes when I look at my work after some time has passed I can see exactly what to do with it. Being an artist has been compared to having a sort of spiritual calling. I read this in Walking in this World by Julia Cameron. It makes me feel a bit better about suffering so much. I feel like I'm learning a lot about my creative process.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
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